Dow's Up 900? I'm Going Long On BigFoot

Tonight's news will inevitably be dominated by the record day on wall street. Dow Jones Industrial Average closed a lofty 936 points higher than it closed on Friday. Not bad for a Monday. The real story of the day however, comes from our friends down in Georgia.

You may remember back to a breaking story that took place August 15th of this year. Two Georgia hunters claimed to have stumbled upon a pod of Big Foot's (Saschwatch for you Canadians out there). The hunters found the pod huddled around one of their own that laid dead. Despite the hostility of the remaining Big Foot's (or is it Big Feet's) the Georgia hunters carried the corpse back to their shed (house) and made the announcement to the world that they had discovered and recovered a real Big Foot. They made the announcement complete with pictures and well coordinated stories. The story set off a firestorm of news coverage (translate: FoxNews sent two vans to the area) as well as an all out man hunt for the hostile pod of remaining creatures. Since one of the brave hunters was a local police officer the boys in blue joined in the hunt. While the world (isolated southern part of Georgia) sat on the edge of their seats glued to the coverage of the would be events. I immediately dismissed the story as false.

Now, you're thinking to yourself, how did I know that a story about a 500 pound corpse of a gorilla like man being bravely wrestled from a hostile pod of his brethren in a remote Georgia forest by two 'hunters' with bourbon stains on their t-shirts was fictitious? Here's how.... It's a known fact that Big Foot exists and has been sighted in numerous locations as far north as Canada and as far south as Florida. It's also a known fact that Big Foot is a large creature (500 pounds as an adult). Those details of the story are accurate. What's not accurate, and why I immediately dismissed these guys as frauds, is that Big Foot is NOT a hostile creature. You're asking yourself how I know this? Four words: "Harry and the Henderson's".

Anyone that has seen this non-fictional documentary about a Big Foot that was innocently hit on the open road by a family traveling on a road trip knows the story the lads from Georgia told was a lie. Despite the initial rampage that Harry goes on upon his revival from unconsciousness at the Henderson's home, he quickly assimilates into a functional member of their family unit. He shows compassion and kindness towards the children, and even lends a helping hand with household chores. Reports of such a creature turning hostile in a Georgian forest are as far from the truth as one can get.

As the summer wore on, and the heat intensified on the two hunters they finally admitted that the whole thing was a hoax. Big surprise huh? The 'body' that they claimed to have found was a costume they purchased and filled with road kill possum guts. There was a rubber mask involved to give the thing a face. They stuffed and arranged the 'work' into a large ice chest from which they shot the pictures to provide to the news media (Fox News). Remember, these are southern boys we're dealing with here.

The one participant, Matt Whitton who was the cop, lost his job on the force, and the other party, Rick Dyer received a slap on the wrist. Finally to today's story. The party that was damaged in this whole mess the most was an Indiana man that fronted the money to pull the whole thing off. While it's tough to have sympathy for someone whose buddies come to him to request a $50,000 handout to buy a gorilla suit that they're going to stuff with possum and parade on national television, these are tough financial times and every bad loan must be looked at the same if we're going to dig out of this steaming economic heap of possum entrails. Whitton and Dyer are obviously no good for the cash, or they wouldn't have asked for it in the first place, so the only logical solution is to generate some cash flow from the hoax.

Enter to the story a serial entrepreneuer named Joshua Warren from North Carolina. This financial wizard comes up with a fool proof plan to recover the losses and square the tables. Sell the (slightly used) suit including the basement freezer it was stored in on Ebay for top chop...entrails sold seperately. Now, before you start to draft paperwork to annex this entire quadrant of the United States to Cuba, let's look at the results. The ebay listing has a current bid price of $85,100 (as of the time of this posting)!!! That means that these idiots, minus the cash due to the original financial backer of this project stand to make $35k for this deal. Oh, and that's not the best part even. The best part is that if you are the winning bidder of the auction you get all the stuff mentioned above as well as a guest appearance by Dyer and Whitton who will come to your home with papers of authenticity to be proudly displayed next to your purchase. I hope when they're at the winning bidders place they also dole out a swift kick to the nuts and french kiss the guys wife while they slap down a flyer on the counter for the exact same suit that you can pick up on http://www.horrordome.com/ for $450 (delivered).