Tertvetuloa To The Mystery Voyage - Estonia to Helsinki

While there may be many routes to take when traveling from Estonia’s capital city of Tallinn to Finland’s capital of Helsinki there is only one that I recommend….the late afternoon slow ferry booze cruise aboard Eckeroline cruise ships. Here’s how my trip played out, wave by wave…..

4:20pm – An unsuspecting young American boards a 3 hour ferry to nearby Finland. Should be an uneventful, relaxing end to a wondrous trip that was. The ferry itself is divided into 7 decks. The bottom two decks house cargo and cars. The third deck houses the reception area, ticketing booths, and duty free market. The fourth deck is home to the entertainment; a coffee shop and buffet take up half the deck and the other half is dominated by the lounge area and a make shift disco. The fifth, sixth and seventh decks are for sleeping. Cabins and rooms line the dimly lit and outdated hallways.

4:25pm – I planned to spend my ride in the lounge. Taking down a couple of Finnish beers and taking in some of the entertainment on the ship that I forewent on my initial (early morning) voyage to Estonia two days earlier. The lounge is more of a ‘den’ than a lounge. It’s about 4 tables wide and 20 meters or so deep. In the far corner there is a make shift stage holding a dated karaoke machine and a well worn Les Paul Gibson guitar (a serious sword for some rockabilly’s). Upon my entrance my attention shifted to the den of long drink fueled Finnish cougars eager to pounce their pray. The place was lined with them, each drunker than the next. There was a lone table in the center section of the barri that I thought looked inviting. Little did I know this is the sacrificial hot seat of the cruise.

4:30pm – Karaoke is announced. The Eurovision hopefuls waddle their way through the maze of oversized European purses as they approach the stage to grab a song book and make their selections. It’s now become apparent that this dingy (float or sink) is headed for a Gilligan’s island style voyage and the freshly shaven American at the center table is at the epicenter of the brewing storm.

4:50pm – “Pohjanmaan Kautta” (bottoms up!!) yells Kari; a middle aged machine shop owner traveling with his family, extended family, and friends from Karjala. The first Lapin Kulta (beer) of the voyage fills my bowels. The Finnish table mates who have joined me as though we were next of kin spring to action as it’s go time for Kari to unleash the Finnish ballad he choose from the karaoke list. Perfectisimo! Eat your heart out Lawrence Welk.

5:00pm – Kari and his travel companions return to my table. Jazzed up from the perfect solo performance seconds earlier it’s now time to engage in Finland’s favorite past time….historical recapping of the war (any of them really). At mention of this topic I immediately go into blank stare mode. The cougars are inching ever closer and I’m going to need my wits about me to fend them off….can’t waste brain power on Kari and the war that was.
5:05pm – Ship pushes out to sea. We are finally moving. God bless. I lean down to grab some euros that fell from my pocket and the first thing that greets me under the table is the overly pungent scent of rotting flesh and stale socks. It appears that the week old blisters from the third degree smoke sauna floor burn on my feet have hit a tipping point. I can feel the squishiness in my shoes as I’m essentially walking in a puddle of blood and blister juice that is continually secreting from my feet in an effort to drain the puss and infection collected from the (less than 4 star) Estonian hotel room that I was walking on bare foot for two nights. Should be a pleasant experience to share with my aisle mates on the10.5 hour flight from Frankfurt to Denver.

5:10pm – “America may be the land of possibility, but in Russia everything is possible”. Kari has moved on to Russian jokes now and his travel mates love every minute of it. It shouldn’t be long now and we’ll be off the topic of Finnish occupation and independence fighting. I’ll zone out for a bit more I think. The boat is now full steam ahead. Estonia is becoming a fleeting memory as the wake leaves it behind.

5:20pm – My attention shifts to what’s perhaps the most disturbing music video I have ever seen. It’s playing on the karaoke screen that faces the audience (just in case the audience feels like joining in). The video is of a 350lb. plus man in a gray t-shirt and sea foam colored sweat pants rolling around on his living room floor in a pile of filth, consuming everything in his reach; potato chips, beers, and cheetos…..confusion ensues as I try to decipher if this is some sort of twisted Sex Pistols cover or an Eastern block tribute to ‘free living’ and consumption…..either way there’s no turning back now the ship has set sail.

5:30pm – Thankfully the singing is over. The bloodshed from my feet continue, but the bloodshed from my ears can now subside for a brief. I decide to check back into the conversation with Kari and his pals….”In Russia they don’t even have washing machines, they smell like shit….we were never going to lose that winter war to those shit smellers”….the group explodes in laughter again….Kari’s 6 long drinks in since we boarded….elapsed time 1.5 hours.

5:45pm – Next on the program Steve Webb. Who the fuck is Steve Webb you ask? Good question….best I could tell he’s a dried up lounge singer from Liverpool trying to pass his time as a regular on the 3.5 hour eckoline tour from Tallinn. He’s kind of a cross between an early Mick Jagger (smaller mouth) and a 50’s style Buddy Holly (if you can picture that). His accent is heavy, his hair is dyed a jet black, and bright red converse chuck’s dawn his feet. Don’t kid yourself though Steve’s got a serious guitar and you know he’s just doing this gig until he can scrape together a few bucks, get the bus fixed, post bail for his long time bassist and hit the open road to tour the land……

6:00pm – My Finnish table mates have up and left and the heat intensifies from the cougar consortium that surrounds me…don’t make eye contact I remind myself….don’t make eye contact. Steve continues his assault on the steel strings. Clapton, Stones, Jimi Hendrix, and Stevie Ray blast from the single amp on stage.


6:10pm – The small group of Finnish dudes to the south of my vector seem to be taking quite the interest in Steve. “Freebird” shouts out the husky chap to Steve’s left…..are you kidding me I think to myself. Steve Webb isn’t some bullshit sellout. Fuck all if he plays that crap.

6:12pm – “Freebird” fills the air as Steve wails on his six strings. We get our first male on male ass slap of the trip. The perpetrator; a 6’2” curly haired bearded fellow, his victim; a 5’6” bald shaven pin stripped shirt wearing lad who’s outfit screams ‘I need attention’…..well, he got it. Combined BAC of the two; a point higher than my college cumulative GPA (I wasn’t that bad of a student).

6:40pm – At this point I’m on the downhill side of a 6 pack that seems to magically keep refilling the glass in front of me…the financier of this hoax is a well jeweled hoity-toity women 15 years my senior sitting to my immediate right. While I’ve acknowledged her generosity I’m hesitant to make more than a simple cheers motion in her direction for fear of attack. She’d be a VERY attractive women if it weren’t for her lop sided augmentation that seems to be straining the yellow cashmere she wears. On second thought, as the waves intensify, having a friend on board with built in floatation devices might not be the worst idea. Perhaps I should introduce myself….

7:00pm – I’ve made my way to ‘sunshines’ table to properly thank her and her friends for the cocktails. I learn that the group is on the first half of a journey from their home in St. Petersburg to Helsinki. It’s a girl’s only affair to celebrate their friend’s recent divorce. Congratulations I guess….

7:05pm – Time for another round. Cuba libres pass around the table like down cards in a hold em game. These ladies mean business. With the latest round of libations it’s time to snap a few pictures. 5 Russian women and one American lad can be arranged into 198 different combinations for the purpose of Polaroid. I think we took at least 200 pictures just in case we missed something during the arithmetic. I feel so used….

7:15pm – A group of grandma’s make their way through the lounge from the disco. Each one has a cocktail (vodka tonic) and in each glass is a blinking light up ice cube. In tow each has a metal dollie loaded with 8-10 cases of duty free ‘kossu’ (vodka). Each case has 10 bottles, each bottle is a liter. What’s amazing here is not the shear quantity of white lightning these broads bought; it’s the stamina that is required to move such cargo. Even with the mechanical advantages afforded by the dollies each one of them must have been schlepping 1.5X their respective weight. Borat is always looking for a woman that’s ‘good with the plow’……. maybe he should book a ticket on Eckeroline.

7:20pm – Elvis’ “blue suede shoes” blasts from the stage. It’s time to hit the dance floor. A little twisting and some shouting and the resting heart rate jumps to 120bpm. Luckily I can no longer feel the pain from the infection in my feet.

7:35pm – People begin dropping like flies. For many of the passengers they are on a day trip that began at 8:00am and has been going strong ever since. I observe Kari being escorted to his room by his wife. She looks ‘happy’ with his choices. I guess that’s one facial expression that knows no language barriers.

7:45pm – A gentleman in a flannel cut off advances on the lone table of unclaimed cougars left in the lounge. His lead in is an exaggerated air guitar solo of the Pearl Jam song Steve is strumming from the stage. I think he would have had resounding success if it wasn’t for the horrendous breath (a result of a dozen empty long drinks and a mountain of shelled peanuts that laid on his table) and the fact his fly was unzipped….Shoot, I hate that when that happens….his pursuit quickly retreats (insert war analogy for Finnish appeal).

8:05pm – A ‘Talking Heads’ cover launches the patrons into action. It’s twisting and shaking abound as this cruise ship is headed into port. The long narrow seaway into Helsinki is now being navigated by our captain, who god willing, is more sober than his passengers in the hull.

8:10pm – Did I mention that Steve has a handmade (homemade) guitar strap that spells out S-T-E-V-E in giant red puffy paint letters?....yeah, he does.

8:15pm – It’s time for Steve to regain control of this riot. “Imagine” by the Beatles ought to do the trick…ah yes, serenity. Welcome to Helsinki, we’ve arrived.